It took Barack Obama to show me the error of my ways. Sitting here, working on my new novel (Tomorrow Will Come and It Will Be Just Like Today), I was wholly unaware of just how deluded and misguided I actually was.
You see, I was completely oblivious to the fact — in spite of masses of evidence — that in order to be a successful writer you first have to follow an unrelated career, become successful at that (“successful” being defined however you wish) and then sit back and wait for publishers to come to you! Such folly! What on earth was I thinking of? A writer sits in front of his computer, working off his squishy bits, day in, day out, produces a masterpiece and then gets published? No? Perish the thought! What an absurd notion!
Thankfully, I today found myself completely disabused of this ridiculousness when dear old Amazon.co.uk sent me a charming email (“Dear customer”… isn’t that sweet?) offering me 50% off selected “celebrity books”. Amongst them was Barack Obama’s memoir, Dreams from My Father: A Story of Race and Inheritance. Actually one of the few I might consider reading, though it did occur to me that the usual way of doing these things is to get the presidency out of the way first and then write the memoir. But what do I know?
He was in good company, however. Dawn French, Alan Carr, Fern Britton and someone I’d never heard of called Marcus Tescothick or something all have autobiographies (“alleged” autobiographies, I should probably say) out at the moment and, suitably inspired by this Celebrious deluge, I came up with, as Baldrick might well have put it, a cunning plan.
I’m going to become celebrated for something other than writing! I haven’t decided quite how I’m going to do this, yet, but I figure it need not be anything too difficult. Falling out of a nightclub, knickerless and with a footballer on my arm would probably do the trick, but it’s a long time since I saw a fanciable footballer and, well, you know, I wouldn’t want to get a chill.
So… this is your mission if you should choose to accept it. In order to achieve fame/infamy (I’m not really all that particular) and, ultimately, get my work published, what rocky route to stardom should I take?
My future, ladies and gentlemen, is in your hands.
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Oh dear. I do sympathize and I will try to help.
You might achieve 15 minutes of fame by getting getting a border collie and teaching it to bark “Nessun Dorma”. Then, you and he audition for Britain’s Got Talent…
I’m liking your thinking, and of course there would be the added bonus of seeing Amanda Holden in the flesh… so to speak… or maybe… a border collie, Nessun Dorma and Amanda Holden? If that doesn’t do the trick, what will?!
You can drop by any time 😉
Gary, you’ve made a rookie mistake.
SELLING books has nothing to do with the quality of writing. Indeed, the books you talked about are very rarely written by these celebrities themselves – except for the Obama book you mentioned, which, by the way, is fucking outstanding.
Do you wish to be a writer, or famous for writing? If it is genuinely the former, then you’re doing it right now – with the added bonus of reader interaction!
PS – [EDIT — GWM: bad tummy pains] to Palin, McCain looks like a peanut, etc.
David:
Yes, I was actually aware of that, mate 😉 ‘Twas written with a huge dollop of irony. I frequently enjoy ranting about the celebrity obsession in publishing… but you probably knew that, right?
I’ll have to give that a looking at, then. I suspected it might actually be a good read.
I want to be a writer and be famous for my writing! However, given that I’ve been doing this for something like 20 years I’m sure you can guess the answer. I’d rather be good at what I do and be known and respected by a handful of people than have someone else do it for me and make a vast fortune… actually, that’s bullshit. Just give me the money! LOL
Only kidding. Honest 😉
Incidentally, hope you don’t mind but I edited your comment. Wouldn’t want people thinking you or I endorsed political assassinations — however entertaining they might be!
I MAY have sensed the irony. I may have replied in the same vein.
When you’re done with the Obama book, go read ‘The Audacity Of Hope’. It’s like an episode of The West Wing written by Frank Capra. Heartwarming stuff.
PS – Mild discomfort to Cheney, a troubling itch to Bush, etc
And I may have thought you did 😉 Though I doubt it.
The Audacity of Hope… is it really as entertaining as you make it sound?
Benedict XVI is writing an autobiography. It’s to be called The Audacity of Pope.
Thanks, I’ll be here all week! Try the veal!
*groans*
Aye, it is…