It took Barack Obama to show me the error of my ways. Sitting here, working on my new novel (Tomorrow Will Come and It Will Be Just Like Today), I was wholly unaware of just how deluded and misguided I actually was.
You see, I was completely oblivious to the fact — in spite of masses of evidence — that in order to be a successful writer you first have to follow an unrelated career, become successful at that (“successful” being defined however you wish) and then sit back and wait for publishers to come to you! Such folly! What on earth was I thinking of? A writer sits in front of his computer, working off his squishy bits, day in, day out, produces a masterpiece and then gets published? No? Perish the thought! What an absurd notion!
Thankfully, I today found myself completely disabused of this ridiculousness when dear old Amazon.co.uk sent me a charming email (“Dear customer”… isn’t that sweet?) offering me 50% off selected “celebrity books”. Amongst them was Barack Obama’s memoir, Dreams from My Father: A Story of Race and Inheritance. Actually one of the few I might consider reading, though it did occur to me that the usual way of doing these things is to get the presidency out of the way first and then write the memoir. But what do I know?
He was in good company, however. Dawn French, Alan Carr, Fern Britton and someone I’d never heard of called Marcus Tescothick or something all have autobiographies (“alleged” autobiographies, I should probably say) out at the moment and, suitably inspired by this Celebrious deluge, I came up with, as Baldrick might well have put it, a cunning plan.
I’m going to become celebrated for something other than writing! I haven’t decided quite how I’m going to do this, yet, but I figure it need not be anything too difficult. Falling out of a nightclub, knickerless and with a footballer on my arm would probably do the trick, but it’s a long time since I saw a fanciable footballer and, well, you know, I wouldn’t want to get a chill.
So… this is your mission if you should choose to accept it. In order to achieve fame/infamy (I’m not really all that particular) and, ultimately, get my work published, what rocky route to stardom should I take?
My future, ladies and gentlemen, is in your hands.