Just when you think that things can’t get any worse — the BBC dedicates a whole section of its news website to it, complete with a very slick new graphic…
… and you just know that the old rules no longer apply and we’re all doomed!
But, seriously, it isn’t all bad news. No, trust me, it isn’t. Now stop looking at me like that — I’m trying to be positive and uplifting, here, however much it goes against the grain. Sit back down this minute, young lady! You will pay attention… Mike, will you please stop sticking your pencil in Lottie‘s ear like that? And sit still. Anyone would think you had worms (oh, sorry, no, I’m confusing you with Selena — which isn’t easy to do, believe me.)
Right. Now are we all sitting comfortably? Good. Bearing in mind that in such times we have to learn to share and co-operate, and generally help each other get through the difficulties ahead, I’ve stolen this from the Times Online website. In the name of lifting the spirits of my readers, I have no moral qualms about this. Carol Midgley probably stole them herself, anyway. Not that I’m saying she did, of course
1. By the time your toddler reaches 25, it’s just possible that they might be able to buy a one-bedroomed flat in Dagenham East for less than £8 million.
2. With no appreciating property values to brag about, smug dinner parties around the nation will fall blissfully silent.
3. In restaurants it will be considered prudent, and not the behaviour of a tightwad oik, to order the house red.
4. You will stop having £50 facials and realise your skin looks exactly the same.
5. Property-porn TV programmes such as Location, Location, Location may die a swift, painful death.
6. It might finally be possible to purchase something in the high street without having to set aside 30 minutes to stand in a queue at the tills.
7. You can comfort yourself that poorer children tend to be nicer children.
8. Shopping may cease to be the premier leisure activity. You might even get a parking space at Bluewater.
9. During recession times, skirt hemlines traditionally get longer, a mercy given the no-knicker habits of many of our most photographed celebrities.
10. There is endless Schadenfreude to be gleaned from just sitting back and thinking of all those clever sods who bought to let.
11. To high-earners who once moaned incessantly about being “cash rich, time poor” but have now lost their jobs, you’ll be able to say: “Congratulations! You’re now cash poor, time rich. How does that feel?”
12. If you’ve got big savings, the good news is you’ll be able to swoop in like a hawk and take advantage of home repossessions. The bad news is – you’re evil.
The really funny thing about this, however, is that it was written back in April and we’re still trying to make up our minds about whether we are actually in a recession or not!
I don’t care whether it is or isn’t technical; if it walks like a recession, if it talks like a recession… yup, I’m betting it’s a recession.
Or a depression.
There we go. Are we all feeling more cheerful now?
© 2008 Gary William Murning (Apart from the image and the Carol Midgley Top 12 List!)