David Attenborough’s Going to Hell — Yippee, At Least We’ll Have Good TV!

I’m a little pushed for time (and energy) today, so in lieu of my usual, rambling observations on anything and everything, I thought I’d just share this article on David Attenborough with you.

I was especially interested to read his views on the teaching of creationism and evolution in schools as if they were equivalent, alternative perspectives:

“It’s like saying that two and two equals four, but if you wish to believe it, it could also be five… Evolution is not a theory; it is a fact, every bit as much as the historical fact that William the Conqueror landed in 1066.”

It really is that simple.

© 2009 Gary William Murning except for quotation.

Doctor Who… Who?

I stopped watching Doctor Who halfway through David Tennant’s first series — finding it all incredibly tedious.

Nevertheless, I have been interested in who they would select as the doctors next incarnation, Tennant’s replacement. Would it be someone who might actually bring something multi-dimensional to the role, I wondered.

After seeing the wee bairn who has been cast in the role, however, let it suffice to say that I certainly won’t be watching this series, either.

Young, cute (I’m reliably informed) and not a beer-belly in sight! Talk about playing safe. Bring back the days when the Doctor was old and crusty… the days when you were completely certain he would never, ever get a shag.

Stephen Fry would have been my pick.

© 2009 Gary William Murning

David Tennant Quits As the Doctor.

Did I miss something? Surely he wasn’t on the Russell Brand show, too, was he?

Looks like there’s yet another job available.

Now, tell me, what do you think? The first wheelchair-using timelord anyone?

© 2008 Gary William Murning

Sheer Willpower — The Further Pursuits of David “Inane” Blaine.

You know, let’s face facts. Let’s be brutal and tell it like it is — without mincing our words, without pulling our punches. Let’s not beat around the bush or be politically correct, giving him the benefit of the doubt and struggling not to offend. As we look at him hanging upside down over a New York ice rink, let’s state it very clearly:

David Blaine is a bit of a prat and one day, in spite of all his well-developed willpower, something will go “tragically wrong” and the related YouTube video will become one of the most popular of all time.

I don’t understand the man, I really don’t. And, frankly, I’m not sure I want to! Performing illusions (which he does incredibly well) is something I can admire and respect. It takes skill and a great deal of practice. But hanging upside down? Doing a dive of death? Sitting in a transparent box in London? No. Whatever he might say to the contrary, the significant factor involved in these “stunts” is not skill; it’s stupidity.

Tests of endurance bother me, I must admit. Especially ones that seem so bloody pointless. I can understand someone running huge distances across a desert. Just. I can understand someone wanting to go to the North or South Pole. Such acts have a certain value — exploration and scientific advancement in the case of the latter. But inflicting liver damage on yourself simply so that you can say that you stayed underwater for seven days…? That degree stupidity, frankly, makes me feel pretty uncomfortable.

Of course, it’s his choice. He can take whatever risks he wishes to take with his health. But when so many people have to fight every day for their health, when a test of endurance is just another phrase to describe their day-to-day existence, don’t expect me to be impressed, David, mate. Levitate, and I’ll applaud you. Tell me what card I picked and I’ll go “Gee, how the fuck did you do that?” But hang upside down until your kidneys pop out of your ears and, well, yes, I may sneak a look at the video on YouTube, but you sure as shit won’t go in my Top Ten List of Achievers. Hell, you wouldn’t even make the top one hundred thousand!

In fact, if the list just went on and on…

… mate, I hate to break it to you, but you still wouldn’t be on it.

© 2008 Gary William Murning

They Didn’t Let Boris Speak!

This is, officially, my first London 2012 Olympics post! Just think, you’ve got four whole years of me vacillating between optimism and pessimism on the subject to look forward to! Doesn’t it make you glad you discovered Gary William Murning Online?

The handover has taken place. The Olympic flag was given to Boris, who waved it about a bit (they didn’t let him speak so we had, unfortunately, no references to the Opium Wars), Leona Lewis sprouted out of the top of a London bus and David Beckham kicked a football.

I just wish I could get excited.

© 2008 Gary William Murning

The Welly Files.

Now, I was never exactly a huge fan of the X-Files. I watched a couple of seasons and the first movie, and that was about it. But I definitely want to see the new X-Files film – I Want to Believe. Why? Well, it isn’t because Gillian Anderson is in it (or David Duchovny, I hasten to add!) No, it’s because The Great Scottish Hairy One, Mr Billy Connolly, is in it — and I’m hoping that if the aliens finally show themselves, he’ll get out his guitar and sing this…

[Edit: for the benefit of those who have difficulty understanding the Big Yin at his most Scottish, I hereby include the lyrics:-

The Welly Boot Song
(McEwen)

Wellies they are wonderful, oh wellies they are swell,
Cause they keep oot the water, an' they keep in the smell,
An' when yer sittin in a room, you can always tell,
When some bugger takes off his wellies.

If it wasna for your wellies where would you be?
You'd be in the hospital or infirmary,
Cause you would have a dose of the flu or even pluracy,
If you didna have your feet in your wellies!

But when yer oot walking, in the country way about
An yer strolling over fields just like a fairmer's herd.
And somebody shouts "Keep aff the grass," and you think "How absurd;"
And, squelch, you find why fairmers a' wear wellies.

Chorus

There's fishermen and firemen, there's farmers an a',
Men oot digging ditches an' working in the snaw;
This country it would grind tae a halt and no' a thing would graw
If it wasna for the workers in their wellies.

Chorus

Noo Edward Heath and Wilson, they havna made a hit,
They're ruining this country, mair than just a bit,
If they keep on the way they are goin', we'll all be in the sh..,
So you'd be'er ge(t) your feet in your wellies.

Chorus.]

On Writing Child Characters for Adults.

I’ve always enjoyed featuring children in my novels — quite often in very pivotal roles. For me, their insights, recorded correctly, can be as deep in their apparent simplicity as anything the philosophical greats had to say. There’s a no-nonsense approach that allows a degree of freedom that adult characters often repress. This, together with the relative lack of responsibility that comes with childhood, allows me to pursue literary avenues that would otherwise largely be off-limits.

But I don’t write children for children. The children I write are quite often influenced by the children I knew, for one thing, and whilst we weren’t exactly the roughest kids on the block, we were alarmingly real – especially when our parents weren’t around. Also, my themes are adult themes (in the nicest possible sense, of course ). Writing a “Young Adult” novel is something I’ve never wanted to attempt. As realistic as such novels can now be, this latter point largely prevents it; the children in my novels express themes concerning the forty one year old me, not those of a fifteen year old reformed twocker.

So how do I approach writing child characters for adult consumption? This is a difficult one to answer. My way of writing is fairly instinctual. I’ve been doing it so long that I no longer think about it (that’s a joke, incidentally… more or less). Nonetheless, a few points occurred to me earlier today that I thought I’d share with you. Feel free to add your own.

1. A child is as multi-faceted as any other character. The expression of these “facets” will differ in many cases to those of an adult, but they will nevertheless possess common roots in the reality we all share. Their interpretation of the world around them may at times be unique, but it’s the same world your adult characters inhabit.
2. Writing completely from a child’s point of view can rob the work of necessary perspective. Try to allow for adult exposition etc. (for example, I tend to have my narrator looking back from a future place, slipping the odd insight in here and there — though there are other methods).
3. Don’t overplay the “childishness”. Be selective and remember that fiction is merely real-life with form and well-defined boundaries.
4. Toys, favourite TV programmes, pop groups — all these can give a good sense of time, place and character. But don’t do it on every page! (See David Mitchell’s Black Swan Green if you want to read a great book on childhood that almost falls into the Space Invader Syndrome trap).
5. And finally… child characters are not adult characters, but they deserve to be treated/represented with the same degree of honesty. Childhood can be a terrifying, confusing place — even for a child with a stable background. Don’t fudge it. Be prepared to revisit those childhood nightmares and ask yourself, Did they ever really go away?

If you are interested in how I applied this knowledge, you might want to check out my coming of age story, Children of the Resolution.