Here Comes Santa Claus.

Shit like this isn’t meant to happen on Christmas Day, I thought. It should be all Tonka toys and The Wizard of Oz on the telly, not piss artists and pederasts.
(Excerpt from If I Never.)

Yes, I know Christmas comes earlier every year — but in the crazy and competitive world of publishing, a little forward planning is, I think, vital. It’ll therefore come as no surprise, I’m sure, to those of you who already known me that I’m now preparing for the Christmas If I Never push.

Naturally, this isn’t something I can do on my own. As I’ve said many times before, success where first-time novels are concerned — especially those published by independent publishers — is highly dependent upon word-of-mouth, the goodwill of those who have read the book and enjoyed it. This is, therefore, a gentle reminder that If I Never is the perfect stocking filler. If you’ve read the book and enjoyed it, why not buy another copy for a friend or family member? Drop me a line, even, and I’ll arrange a personalised, suitably Christmassy inscription. Hell, even if you read the book and hated it — buy it for someone you don’t like!

Also, for the techie types among you, it may interest you to know that the electronic, EPUB version for the Kindle and Sony Reader etc should be out later this month.

This apart, please don’t forget to let me know what you think of If I Never. Maybe write a review on Amazon? It all helps — and, joking aside, your continued help and support is truly appreciated. Cheers!

A sample chapter of If I Never can be read here.

To buy your copy of If I Never, please click here.

© 2009 Gary William Murning

Contemplative Christmas.

A flying visit between extremely exhausting bouts of doing relatively little.

Christmas has been unexpectedly relaxing. I’ve eaten too much, of course, and complained bitterly about just how abysmal the Christmas episode of The Royle Family was (Caroline Aherne has really lost the plot), but the time away from my work has provided me with an opportunity to reassess — something I felt was needed after recent conversations regarding Tomorrow Will Come.

To cut to the chase, I’ve realised that I need to set this piece of work aside for a while. Certain aspects of it are proving problematical and I now know that it’s because I’m not entirely comfortable with it. I could hammer away at it and fix it, of course, but that would only risk damaging the novel and its author! And so, it’s on the backburner.

I seem to be going through a period of creative flux. I’m very aware of the need to find something that stands out, especially in these difficult times. I am also very aware that I’ve moved away from the kind of material I do best — tragicomic, almost absurdist pieces that draw on my early influences (John Irving, Garrison Keillor, Joseph Heller et al.) I think Mike helped me see this, even though he possibly didn’t realise it, by mentioning Heller a few days ago. Cheers, mate.

And, so, I’m going to take about another a week or so away from the problem of what I’m going to do next. I do already know that I need to write something humourous — not flat-out comedy, but something with my trademark eccentric characters. I haven’t written anything like that for… well, since before I started writing this blog, and I think the market for that kind of material has probably improved in the interim. Nonetheless, I’m not rushing into anything. I have probably been pushing a little too hard.

Time to just sit back and let the story come to me.

Everyone have a nice Christmas/holiday/anti-Christmas?

© 2008 Gary William Murning

My Holiday Gift to You.

Well, it’s possible that I may not be around quite so much over the coming week and, so, I thought I’d just take a few moments to — without the irreverent humour you might be expecting, my hand very firmly on my heart — wish you an enjoyable and safe holiday season. Whatever you do or don’t believe, whether you choose to mark the period in any significant way or not, remember that, as our dead friend George Carlin put it, “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.”

Such moments exist all around us. They occur every day. They are there in the smile on a small child’s face, in the patterns of steam rising through sunlight from a coffee cup, or a lone tree standing in the middle of a field — the sunlight setting behind it. They speak to us with the unforgettable rhythm of a steadily beating heart.

For me, this time of year is in many ways no more special than any other. I try to acknowledge the wonders around me every day of the year. Nevertheless, the season provides us with an unmissable opportunity. Acknowledge and embrace the simple wonder of family, friends and basic human kindness. It’s there, believe me. Sometimes, admittedly, you have to look very, very hard. But it’s there. Trust me, I’m a writer.

So look — look and gasp in wonder not only at the presents you receive, but also at the simple, amazing fact that, yes, we are still here… with a capacity to love, understand and appreciate.

Finally, for those of you reading Tomorrow Will Come and It Will Be Just Like Today, I have a small gift. I was going to hold fire with it — but what the hell. It is Christmas (or whatever), after all!

Click here for Chapter Three of Tomorrow Will Come and It Will Be Just Like Today. (Chapters One and Two available here.)

Enjoy, keep warm (or, for those south of the equator, keep cool) and stay safe.

© 2008 Gary William Murning

Coming in a Big Black Cadillac.

Okay, I surrender. It’s Christmas and this here atheist feels Christmassy. What the hell.

Let it snow and let there be Elvis. Christmas as it really should be.

[Edit: My apologies -- I had to turn off the snow because it was messing up the loading of my page... hell, Christmas makes me feel so darned powerful...]

All text © 2008 Gary William Murning

The “Reading” Public Sees Sense.

It seems that my recent pieces (here, here and here) on celebrity memoirs were rather more apposite than I could have perhaps anticipated. In a recent article in The Times, it’s being reported that

“[...] cash-strapped consumers are tiring of reading about celebrity lifestyles, and shops have slashed prices of such autobiographies for the crucial Christmas market.”

And about time, too. This is, as I see it, the most fickle of audiences and it was inevitable that — even without the current need for belt-tightening — their appetite for these candyfloss publications would eventually wane.

It would be interesting to see how other areas — such as genre fiction and literature, for example — are holding up. Anyone heard any sales figures?

© 2008 Gary William Murning

Christmas and Mithras.

Okay, so it’s true. As bizarre as it might seem, and however much you might wish not to hear it, I, the above-mentioned Gary William Murning, writer, owner of this website, world-renowned grumpy old bastard, actually felt — very briefly — a little bit Christmassy earlier today. It was rather fleeting, and, you’re right, it may just have been the cheese I ate last night, but there it is. I looked at the token Christmas tree, thought how pretty the lights and baubles looked –

– and then slapped myself a few times, went along to YouTube (dashing all the way) and found the perfect antidote.

Dear Stephen Fry and the QI team. Facts many of us are possibly already more than familiar with, but presented so entertainingly!

© 2008 Gary William Murning

An Apology (or, It Doesn’t Happen Often so Make the Most of It.)

As I’ve just been explaining to a friend, “things” are starting to get away from me a little. Tomorrow Will Come and It Will Be Just Like Today is drawing me in and I’m finding it difficult to concentrate for too long on other matters. Consequently, I’m behind on emails, blog-reading and the more sociable aspects of this Worldwide InterWebNet-thing we all love and, to a degree, depend upon.

I’m also concerned that my blog posts of late might not have been quite up to my usual (admittedly quite pitiful!) standard. I like to post something every day. It’s demanding, especially on top of working on the novel, but I have received so much support, appreciation and encouragement through Gary William Murning Online that I at least want to try to continue delivering the things people seem to enjoy.

I’d therefore like to apologise for not being quite as on the ball in these areas as I usually am and also offer you the chance to suggest topics you might like me to cover over the coming weeks. I can’t promise to do them all, but I’ll certainly give it my best shot. (Think of it as an early Christmas present… the socks that you’re elderly aunt gives you, perhaps )

Fire away!

© 2008 Gary William Murning

The Truth About Santa.

Now, please read this very, very carefully. The following video contains possibly highly offensive material. It isn’t work safe, I wouldn’t recommend you let the kids look at/listen to it, if you don’t like bad language, it’s definitely a no-no and, well, just be warned.

The things Santa and those bloody reindeer get up to…

Tidings of Comfort and Whatsit.

In my continuing attempt to liberally spread comfort and joy at this festive time of year — fearlessly struggling to get to the heart of what Christmas really is and why it’s so very important to, you know, remember the real meaning behind it and take appropriate precautions when you get rat-arsed at the office party and get jiggy with your secretary — I thought I would take a moment from my busy Christmas shopping schedule (that’s a joke, by the way) to share with you a truly meaningful greetings card by a gentleman called Dean Morris.

Now, need we really say more?

© 2008 Gary William Murning

It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas.

Ah, yes, that magical season is almost upon us and as is my custom at this time of year, I’m already finding myself wallowing quite nicely and appreciably in the anti-Spirit of Christmas — grumbling away to myself about the excess and foolishness, and generally having a thoroughly enjoyable time being quite contrary.

Bearing this in mind I thought now might be a good time to issue fair warning. Over the next four weeks or so Gary William Murning Online is very likely to become a place at least in part dedicated to everything that is not Christmas. The festive season will be mentioned frequently, of course, but the attitude will strictly be one of irreverence and hopefully enjoyable complaint.

If Christmas is not for you — or even if you only pretend not to enjoy it — remember to keep calling back. There will be (if I can be arsed) suitably atheistic delights, anti-Christmas quotes, possibly the odd dig at the expense of the various (stolen!) Christmas traditions and maybe even some mulled wine (because, let’s face it, it isn’t all bad, right?)

In leaving, and so that I might suitably set the tone, I’d like to share with you a quote from that wit and all-round good egg Mr Stephen Fry:

“Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.”

© 2008 Gary William Murning